Month: December, 2010
There’s Only ONE #1 Dad
| December 29, 2010 | 6:58 am | Uncategorized | Only Pings

I know a lot of you guys out there are thinking that you’re the #1 Dad. You’re deluded. And I’m sure a lot of you ladies think that YOUR man is the #1 Dad. You, too, are deluded. Truth be told, The Number One Dad is – ME. And I can prove it. Let me remind you that this is the internet, and one cannot lie on the internet. I am the Number One Dad, for lo and behold, my kids gave me THIS!

The Official #1 Dad Roach Clip.

That’s right The #1 Dad Roach clip.  And if that’s not evidence enough of my superior ranking, I’m also the proud owner of these:

The #1 Dad Flask

The #1 Dad Crack Pipe

The #1 Dad Maletov Cocktail

The #1 Dad Prison Shank

and The #1 Dad Kitten Killer

I don’t want this news of my being Numero Uno to discourage anyone. You can all still aspire to greatness. There are still other titles out there which you other Dads can achieve. There is “#2 Dad,”  “#3 Dad,” “#4 Dad,” “Pretty Good Dad.”  Plenty of you are eligible to be voted “Dad Who Almost Never Drops the F Bomb in Front of his Kids.” “Usually Sober Dad.” right on down to “Dad With No Active Restraining Orders Against Him.”

They’re still up for Grabs.  But “Number 1 Dad”? Sorry, that’s me.

#1 Dad, Eric Ruhalter, is the author of the humorous book series: “The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids.” Watch the funny videos looking inside The KidDictionary at www.TheKidDictionary.com .  No kittens were harmed, nor was any crack consumed in the writing of this farcical blog posting.

Rock The Bell
| December 23, 2010 | 11:40 am | Uncategorized | Only Pings

This year for almost two months leading up to Christmas, I’d vowed to wear this jingly Christmas bell.  Ching, ching, ching says this thing, all day long. Sounded like Christmas I thought, and you can’t get too much Christmas.

That was my feeling going into this Christmas Season. This long Christmas Season. Long because I’d vowed to make it long. On vacation over Halloween, I was lamenting to my daughter how last year’s Holiday season just blew by with little fanfare. I didn’t really notice Christmas. And I want to notice Christmas. I want to feel it in its fullest splendor. It can be a wonderful time if you embrace it, and don’t neglect it.

Thusly, my daughter and I agreed that as soon as we got home from vacation I was going to put on my sleigh bell and we were going to go full throttle with Christmas. We were going to see it all, do it all, feel all the joy, sing the songs, light the candles, trim every tree, suck the nog out of every egg that crossed our path. We were going to feel the magic, day and night , non stop, Fa La La La La. La la la la. No joke. We pinky swore that this is what we were going to do.

So we came home from Florida, I donned my bell and Christmas was ON. And I was ching ching chingin’ my way around. Christmas Cookies, Christmas Parties, Singing Carols, Secret Santas, Wreath-making, cider drinking.  We went and got a lovely Christmas tree from the volunteer fire station to help support them, so they’d have the equipment to put out the fires these trees were inevitably going to cause.  We took that 12 Days of Christmas/Partridge in a Pear Tree song and fleshed it out a little to suit our extended Christmas season, “The Fifty-Three Days of Christmas.” And I have to say, when you have that many Days you really have to get creative with some of the items gifted by the song’s extremely generous True Love over the course of Christmas. Like  “47 Union Long Shoremen Striking”, “38 Mimes Drinking Overpriced Cups of Coffee.” “25 Pairs of Socks Where One Sock’s fine but the other’s elastic is too stretched out.” … Yadda yadda… 4 calling birds, 3 French Hens, 2 turtle Doves, and a Partridge in a pear tree. In fact the song got so awkward that no one really sang it anymore. So we went shopping. We put money in the kettle of the bell-ringing Salvation Army Man. If it was Christmassy, we were there. With bell on. Ching ching ching ching.

If I’ve been anywhere near you this holiday season, you knew it. Because I’ve honored my promise and worn this bell every day. I have marched through my routine – ching ching ching ching. Every step. Every move. Ching. Ching. Ching. And I found, and this was totally new to me, that when you hear a sound like that, chinging and chinging non stop over a sizable period of time, it can really start to make you profoundly nauseous. And I’ll admit, at this point I’m truly ready to hurl. However, my vast integrity prevents me, even in the face of physical illness, from taking it off. I pinky swore with my beloved only daughter that I was going wear this bell. So I’m wearing this bell. And I’ll keep wearing this bell until Christmas on Saturday. Until then, I’ll be wishing you all the Merriest of Christmases, the Happiest of holidays .And staying very very still.

Eric Ruhalter is the author of the humorous gift book series for parents: “The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids.” Watch the funny videos at the website for an hysterical look inside.

| December 22, 2010 | 11:31 am | Uncategorized | Only Pings

NO-COST GIFT IDEA
| December 10, 2010 | 3:38 pm | Uncategorized | Only Pings

Times are Tight this Holiday Season. Boy are they. So here’s an economical Re-Gifting idea. Does your son or daughter have that Dr Seuss Book, the one where a kid can fill in the blanks with all sorts of information about their self, called “My Book About Me”?  It’s great fun. And now, when they’re finished creating it, you can use it as a gift for another little boy or girl, simply by amending the cover thusly….

OR for just $11.95, might I recommend for the Parents/Teachers/Babysitters on your list: “The KidDictionary: A Book of Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids.” I’m just sayin’…

Holiday Words to Describe Kids
| December 7, 2010 | 10:55 am | Uncategorized | Only Pings

All year long, kids defy description. Around the holidays especially though, children exhibit traits, behaviors and ideas that there are no words to describe. “The KidDictionary: Words Parents Need To Describe Their Kids” (www.TheKidDictionary.com) hopes to provide you with a much needed working lingo that will empower you to put the ways of your kids into words.

JINGLEBERRY (JING-uhl-behr-ee)  n. :  A Christmas Carol or other holiday song whose lyrics have been changed to incorporate potty talk and other themes contrary to the season the songs were intended to celebrate.

SHIRTURBED (shurr-TERBD) adj.:   Annoyed state of a child who just received an article of clothing as a present.

RAMPAPER (rahm-PAY-puhr) v.:    To ferociously shred through the gift-wrap on a present with no regard for the festive design nor the time and care that went into wrapping it.

SAINTNICKTRONIZE (saynt-NICK-truh-nize) v.:  To feign belief in Santa Claus with hopes of a bigger Chrstmas payload.  (See:  EASTERBLUFFING)

KODICK (KOH-dik) n.:  The child who refuses to cooperate in the taking of the family Holiday card photo.

SLEDENTARY (SLEDD-en-tehr-ee) adj.:  A child’s state of being so bundled up to face the winter elements that they cannot move.

STOCKINSOMNIA (STAHK-inn-sahm-nee-uh) n.: The inability to get to sleep on Christmas Eve

SANTASTROPHE (sann-TASS-truh-fee) n.: A parent’s misconception that their baby will enjoy being handed to an enormous, white-haired, bearded stranger in a blood red suit for a Christmas photo.

CHRISTINGENCY (criss-TINN-jen-see) v.:  Routine act of using holiday gift giving as a means of blackmailing one’s children.

INPLAYTIABLE (in-PLAY-shee-uh-bull) adj.: – Filled with the desire to own every single toy advertised on television

For more proceed with great haste to www.TheKidDictionary.com and watch the clever and funny videos