My kids would love to own a dog. I would not. I do love dogs. Other peoples’ dogs. Other peoples’ dogs you can pet for a few minutes, play with, get licked if you’re so inclined, etc… Then, when they shit on the floor, you can walk away while their actual owner comes to clean it up. Sort of like being a kid’s uncle.

I want to remain a dog uncle. Not a dog dad. Because that’s a lot of work. My kids promise they’ll do ALL the work if we get a dog. I won’t have to lift a finger. Bullshit. I’ve been around the block a few times with these kids.

Furthermore, dogs aren’t cheap. Even to “adopt” a dog. When you do the good deed of taking a dog off the hands of a shelter, you’re obligated to donate money to help take care of the other strays and unwanted bastard-child dogs that you’re not adopting. Are you not doing enough already?

And then when you get your dog home you have to foot the bill to feed it, accessorize it, license it, etc.. . And then you have to take it to the vet. And that ain’t cheap. Veterinarians have a racket going there. They’ve got you right where they want you. You bring in your dog. They tell you it’s dying and you have to give them 995 dollars to save its life. Or save yourself some money and let him die, they’ll tell you (loud enough so your kids hear.) I don’t know that they’re telling the truth about his condition, but I’m not in much of a position to question them. I don’t know! The dog might have the equivalent of the sniffles and all the vet’s doing is giving it a Sudafed.

You also have to outfit your dog with a host of chew toys. All different ones, shaped like various food items and inanimate objects. They have to be durable, so they’re not really cheap. Especially considering the fact that you’re buying them for the sole purpose of
their destruction. They’re going to take the rubber toy that looks like a shoe, cover it in spit and gnaw it down to nothing. Then you’re going to buy another. Or else they’ll do it to your real shoe. (And they might do it to your real shoe regardless.)

You want to go on vacation? For the day? For the weekend? For the week? What are you going to do with the dog? You’re going to put them in the Kennel. Because more often than not, wherever you’re going, your dog is not welcome there. Because they’re pains in the ass! And this whole kennel industry has sprung up around that fact. SO you bring the dog to the Kennel, and the kennel will rival the price of the hotel room you might be springing for on your vacation. Because the guys at the kennel know that they have you right where they want you. They’re smart. I bet they don’t have a dog at their house.

I do love animals and I certainly do enjoy the company of a pet, but I’ve really never seriously considered having a dog of my own on account of all the work and the expense. But my kids sure want one. And buying a dog wouldn’t be the first thing I did based on the judgment of an 8 year old rather than my own. Some day I may give in. But, if I do, based on the advice of a very sage friend of mine, I’m not going to “embrace” the idea of a dog. I’m going to “tolerate” it. And by merely tolerating it, I’m hoping to avoid having to be the one to clean up after it when it shits on the floor.

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